Witnesses say Det. Sandra “Do You Know Who I am” Gonzalez arrived near the New Year’s Eve ball drop wearing a suit and coveted “intel pin” that the Department has purchased in bulk from Temu, seeking to escort a busload of people in spite of strict instructions from the commissioner, who was a mere block away.

Sources also says she appeared to be experiencing a common side effect of long-term security work: forgetting what it’s like to wear an actual uniform and be treated like a human traffic cone for 15+ hours.

“Listen, I’m on the mayor’s detail,” Gonzalez explained to several rookie officers who had been on post long enough to develop a special relationship with the metal barriers which, coincidentally, were in the right location for the first time in six decades.

When asked is the Mayor was actually here, Gonzalez replied, “No, but I basically speak for him, he’s granted me that authority even when I hold his umbrella,” she said, implying that she has been delegated authority over the commissioner.

She went on, “I can’t believe I’m getting treated like regular people,” Gonzalez said, audibly sighing in a way that suggested the concept of respect for fellow UMOS was an outdated concept, failing to listen when told that other cops were being turned away at the next checkpoint.

“Do you know how many holiday parties I attended? Sure, mostly as a chauffeur or a human ballistic vest, but do you know how many hands I didn’t shake so the mayor could shake them? That’s service,” she proclaimed, using the traditional “finger waving in your face” technique, the hallmark of Departmental entitlement.

Several officers noted Gonzalez also appeared to be suffering from what medical experts call Earpiece Delusion Syndrome (EDS), a condition in which a person inserts a clear coil into their ear and immediately believes they have the legal authority to enter any and all spaces, including but not limited to: restricted areas, roped-off sidewalks, closed kitchens, and the emotional boundaries of fellow cops.

“Once you put that earpiece in, you start thinking you’re cool,” one anonymous source said, who is in his third year of recovery from EDS. “According to one officer on scene, the exchange was described as, “Watching someone try to use an expired Bed Bath and Beyond coupon to buy a toilet brush.”

Gonzalez’s frustration allegedly escalated when she encountered other cops assigned to the event, whom she greeted with the traditional courtesy of someone who believes they are a rank above the laws of common decency.

“Yo, boss,” she said to a uniformed supervisor who was visibly not her boss, “Do me a favor and have your guys open that gate.” Sources say the supervisor had spent the last five hours explaining to people that no, they cannot just “go to the front.”

Undeterred, Gonzalez continued. “Don’t make this a thing,” she added, bravely, escalating it into a thing. “I’m calling the chief.” At press time, it remained unclear who Gonzalez planned to become on January 2, but sources close to the situation believe it will have to be a command that doesn’t require any actual skills.

When questioned about her behavior, Gonzalez defended herself by citing the unique hardships of executive protection. “You know what you don’t understand?” she said with no follow up, leaning against a barrier she has not moved in years.

“Listen, I’ve been at City Hall at all hours. Sometimes I had to wait in a lobby. A lobby! With nothing but bottled water and the crushing weight of being a lapdog for a corrupt politician. “Do you have any idea what that entails? That’s not something a mere patrol cop would understand.

“I mean sure, I got there because I knew a guy who knew a guy who knows the mayor, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t deserve it,” she added, saying that her skill set places her above other detectives that actually follow leads and work cases.

Gonzalez further explained that, on the mayor’s detail, “You don’t get respect, you command it,” then demonstrated this philosophy by calling someone on speakerphone and saying, ‘Tell them I’m who I say I am!”

“Let my people in, and we’ll just stand in the corner,” she proposed. “We’ll be discreet. I’m basically invisible. I’m used to it.”

With that statement, she then came to an internal realization about what had transpired, proclaiming that after all, “Executive protection is really just walking three steps behind someone who won’t make eye contact with you unless the cameras are on.”

Moments later, witnesses say she pivoted to Plan D: trying to enter her busload of visibly embaressed revelers through a different checkpoint while loudly explaining to no one in particular that, “The job is dead.”

She then drove off into the night, headed toward a new year where her influence is expected to drop faster than the ball itself. Sources later said she was assigned to answer phones at the Intelligence Bureau command center.

— Reporting by Hubert B. Tyman, mail@hubertontheair.com —

When asked about the career change, the Chief stated that his talents are tailor-made for adult film work. “Look, police work is about storytelling,” he said during his final press conference, as his harem of DT1s and DT2s looked on from the front row. “I’ve spent years as the focal point in a variety of stories, so the transition is natural,” he added, shortly before ordering that 49’s be renamed 69’s. In this monumental move from the chain of command to the chains of desire, the Chief revealed he has already pitched several adult screenplays that have been picked up by major film studios.

Titles include “The Chief’s Baton,” a steamy tale of power imbalances and misplaced authority, and “Double Overtime: Scanning in and Pounding Out,” where the action begins as soon as the big clock starts ticking. Sources close to the Chief revealed that he consulted with Harvey Weinstein and Diddy, as the duo encouraged him to follow his dream during one of their weekly strategy meetings, known as DAP sessions. It is reasonable and logical to assume that this stands for Develop, Assess, Prioritize.

Sources say the plots are loosely inspired by real-life events, though the Chief insists all names have been changed to protect the innocent—“and the guilty,” he winked. “I made sure that anyone who worked for me always capped out,” he added, while his closest aides ensured that all members of the command knew OT meant “On Top.” Sources also noted the Chief’s reputation for his positive CRAFTS—Covert Rendezvous Accelerating Favorable Treatment. “He brought overtime code-riding to a whole new level,” they said.

Many in the Department were unsurprised by the announcement. “Honestly, we saw this coming,” said an anonymous first-grade detective. “I mean, he was even trying to get on Shark Tank to pitch his own brand of lubricant,” said the detective. “He called it ‘Blue Line Glide’ and had a cadet hand out free samples to all females who stepped off the elevator on the 13th Floor.”

“Every command I’ve worked in has inspired me,” the Chief said, adjusting his crotch and licking his lips one final time. “I’ve had unique interactions with members at every rank. Now, it’s time to share those experiences with the world—in 4K resolution,” he teased, hinting that he’s already working on two more films: “Take Home Car Confessions” and “Lieutenant Sexual Assignment: Going Above and Behind.”

As the Chief vowed to go out with a bang, he said, “Remember, it’s not just about doing the job. It’s about how you leave your mark. And trust me, I’ve left plenty.” Shortly thereafter, sources said the Facilities Management Division dispatched their most marginally competent cleaners to the 13th Floor with blacklights and industrial-strength cleaning products.

“Behind every great Chief is a very satisfied subordinate,” he said. On his last day in office, the Chief made sure to enter through the backdoor—just as he had for the last several decades

— Reporting by Hubert B. Tyman, mail@hubertontheair.com —

Since last week, detectives have been working around the clock and away from their families to apprehend the suspect, who callously murdered a man on a city street before fleeing to parts unknown.

The investigators who cracked the case did not hesitate to burn the midnight oil away from their families for the greater good — the self-aggrandization of their superiors.

“Listen guy, we all have a calling in life. Some people become doctors, others build businesses, and others work hard to get their bosses in front of a camera,” said Detective 3rd Grade Pastosi Parmigiana, who will be aging out this year after several decades of catching perpetrators while his bosses take the credit.

“Even though I’ve been on the grid since 1995, everything I do is for them. Sure, my kids hate me, and my wife left me, but it was my duty,” he said.

As word spread of the apprehension, a motorcade was seen leaving headquarters with five photographers, six bodyguards, a tailor who specializes in modifying Khaki attire, and three Department Makeup Artists (Level III).

In a matter of hours, the vehicles arrived in Pennsylvania and the Deputy Commissioner was rushed inside via a backdoor to prevent being mobbed by autograph seeking fans.

“Get me into make-up forthwith,” said the Deputy Commissioner. “Then, get me the Chief of Police. I’ll need him to let local media know they need to rise when I enter. Also, get me someone who worked on the case. I’ll need the cliff notes. Where did the murder happen, again? I want my online bio updated by EOT to reflect my role in this caper.”

While investigators who worked tirelessly on the case were relegated to the sidelines back in NYC, they understood that it was just part of the job.

“We do what we do so he can do what he does,” said Sergeant Paulie Gustaffson, as he elaborated on his non-answer before asking if we had any inside information on the SBA contract, which has proved as elusive as getting the money without first driving a Chief.

Meanwhile, Department social media teams sprang into action, crafting posts to highlight the Deputy Commissioner's “tireless commitment to justice” while carefully omitting the names of any actual detectives involved in the case and debating whether the term “heroic leadership” was sufficiently humble.

By the next day, detectives who worked the case resumed their work in silence, knowing their names would only appear in the fine print of someone else’s glory.

In other news, journalists from Spring 3100 will arrive three months from now to cover the press conference.

— Reporting by Hubert B. Tyman, mail@hubertontheair.com —

“The ideal candidate would be able to move papers from one office to the next, send a few emails, and work out in the basement gym several times per day,” said the chief. “But they have to be able to do that all on straight time, and that’s challenging to find,” he added.

While the massive overtime payments may seem controversial, the rank-and-file understand it is a necessity for someone with irreplaceable skills who works as hard as Lt. Very Special Assignment (LVSA) Egan. In the Bronx, Police Officer Cashfilcher echoed the sentiment. “Who are they to criticize him? I wish I had the same level of skill and administrative prowess,” said Cashfilcher, who was awaiting a meeting with his ICO to discuss why he exceeded 40 hours cash for the month for doing police work. “We make sacrifices so Lt. Egan can get the money he deserves. That’s just part of being the best.”

After a day spent shadowing Lt. Egan, it became clear why the overtime was necessary. “Basically, I start my day at midnight,” he said. “I come into the office before anyone else so I can catch up on the news of the day, which is best taken in while laying down on the office couch. I need to be relaxed before the real work starts, like boxers before they enter the ring. This is what I call ‘In the Zone’ time.”

He went on to explain how, “At around 0800 hours, the other less-skilled members of the office begin to stroll in. You know, the 10 cadets, 15 sergeants, 7 lieutenants, 18 civilians, 4 captains, 3 inspectors, and several chiefs. They mean well, but they just can’t do what I do,” said Lt. Egan, as he sent several lengthy emails beginning with “As per” and “Effective immediately.”

When asked about how he manages to have so much pep in his step for being the Department’s hardest worker, he said, “I work out every day, but the problem is I can never manage to get down there on straight time, so keeping me in shape is an expense the city has to bear for my level of work ethic,” he said.

He continued, “By around 1600 hours, I take paperwork from the 13th Floor to the 10th Floor, and then down to the 3rd Floor before going to the 7th Floor and then back to the 13th Floor. As you can see, this is a daunting endeavor, so I’m usually done by around 1900hrs.” By nightfall, all other members of the office have gone EOT, leaving Lt. Egan to review the remaining work, which, from what we could see, mostly entailed formatting the margins on several UF-49’s and saying hello to acquaintances on other floors.

By 2355 hours, he left the building to raucous applause by the Headquarters Security officers at the gate, who shed a tear of joy. “It’s an honor to work around someone so skilled, so gifted, and so keen on the principles of integrity. It makes me remember why I put this uniform on in the first place.”

However, Lt. Egan was only stretching his legs before signing back in. “Midnight is around the corner. Time to do it all over again,” he said. “I TCB – Take Care of Business. And that comes with a price.”

— Reporting by Hubert B. Tyman, mail@hubertontheair.com —

A spokesman for the organization explained. “As you know, we’ve been helping young children achieve their dreams with what little time they have left,” he said. “When we heard about the Job, and how it has tried for so long to become a real police department, my colleagues and I just knew we had to step up.”

The plight made international headlines last week when the Department had to release an official statement stating the Job was, contrary to popular belief, still alive. “When we heard at headquarters that rumors of the Job being dead were spreading, we had to clarify that was not the case,” said Detective First Grade Parker, who takes a 4-hour meal twice per day.

“Sure, the Job has been in an induced coma since the late 1880s, right after it was diagnosed with high-functioning alcoholism, but it’s taken its toll and we don’t know how much longer it has,” added Parker, who has never detected anything, contrary to his title.

The Foundation arrived earlier this afternoon, and with the stroke of a pen, granted the dying wish. “If I wasn’t there, I wouldn’t have believed it,” said Chief Fusilli al Dente.

“Within seconds of the wish being granted, the officers standing guard outside of the hospital room traded their faded New Balance sneakers for high gloss shoes and actually looked presentable,” said the chief. “I’ve never seen anything like it. It was like the movies,” he said.

Meanwhile, across the city, Building Maintenance personnel were seen removing the bandaids from precinct boilers and air conditioners. “I used to have to come here every other day to repair the HVAC system since the technology has been outdated for decades and no one wanted to cough up the money to replace them.

But today, we got the call that downtown wanted us to upgrade everything, state-of-the-art they told me,” added the worker. “They wanted cops to actually be cool in summer and warm in winter, which was very strange to hear,” he said. “I thought it was a prank.”

In Queens, reports were taken and written with complete sentences and actually sounded coherent. In Brooklyn, officers actually responded to vehicle collisions in a timely manner and gave high quality service, finding multiple fuck to give about complainants.

Over at the personnel bureau, phones began to ring off the hook, said Sgt. Thomas. “The bosses said no more transfers based on hooks. From now on, qualifications only,” she said, seemingly pleased.

“So we’ve had to spend the day telling executives that their children who have difficulty reading at a 5th-grade level and have only a few weeks on patrol will not be able to go to JTTF or the Crime Scene Unit,” said the sergeant.

In the Bronx, RMPs suddenly began to work as normal vehicles, and once-chewed steering wheels looked new. Meanwhile, over at the Police Academy, newly promoted supervisors were actually taught about leadership and how to care about cops, such as putting their subordinates before their own aspirations.

‘This is the biggest shift in New York City policing since, well, ever,” said the PBA President. However, when asked by his membership if this meant a new contract would soon come, he added, “Let’s not get carried away. Wishes are not miracles,” he said, before shaking hands and accomplishing little.

Downtown, DCAS began writing promotional exams that tested competency and actual real-world scenarios instead of semantics and minutiae.

At a Manhattan detail, a litany of officers were shocked when the Job finally figured out where it wanted barriers. “This is wild,” said P.O. McButterman. “Right when I got to post, an inspector said he wanted the barriers here, and no one came by to tell me to move them for the entire tour,” he said. “Not to mention, a bunch of captains came by and didn’t complain about 8-point caps. So refreshing.”

By day’s end, however, it was back to business as usual, as everyone who wanted overtime couldn’t get it, and everyone who didn’t want overtime was shafted with day five tour changes and RDO details.

“It was good while it lasted,” said a sergeant before making a call to his daughter to tell her he won’t be able to make her birthday party, after being told he couldn’t give the notification to someone who wanted it, ‘just because.’

In a strange twist, doctors were able to revive the Job yet again, setting the stage for another 175 years of mediocrity.

— Reporting by Hubert B. Tyman, mail@hubertontheair.com —

This is the biggest shock to hit inspections since the temperature restrictions were removed from the patrol guide, and the change was explained by Department brass. “It became clear that we were underutilizing the skills of those supervisors assigned to inspections units,” said Deputy Chief Coogan McGuinness.

“After a thorough review, we learned that the work didn’t involve much skill at all and that our partners over at TSA could make better use of the personnel,” said McGuinness, who began notifying inspections personnel about the change immediately.

The news, however, was well received by sector cars citywide, who can now rest easy knowing they won’t be car stopped while on a car stop.

However, the move was not met with much fanfare from inspections units. We caught up with Sergeant Charles Bozo, assigned to a patrol borough inspections team, as he entered his 2023 BMW with the vanity plate, “H8WHTSOX.” He was was less than thrilled, acknowleding that he paid for the vehicle with overtime from writing command disciplines for minor violations.

“This is utter and complete BS,” said Bozo, pointing to a notification that he is to report to JFK on his RDO to begin TSA training, which will focus on how to best annoy the traveling public by enforcing arbitrary and ineffective rules.

“Yeah, I get it, it’s the same type of busy work I’ve been doing here, but just a little harder. But who is going to keep the cops in line once I’m gone? I knew this gig was going downhill when they allowed 5 o’clock shadow. I should’ve left then, but I knew my lack of real-world policing experience would hurt me. I even got rejected by the Property Clerk. Job’s dead,” said Bozo, refusing to admit he is partially responsible for the job’s demise.

Meanwhile, a TSA spokesman said the change is being applauded by screeners nationwide. “Finally, our staff will have co-workers with less experience, intellect, and education than they do,” said the spokesman. “They’ve been waiting for years for something like this!” he added.

The news, however, was well received by sector cars citywide, who can now rest easy knowing they won’t be car stopped while on a car stop. “This is great news,” said Officer Levy. “Now I know that I can do my job without having to worry about a guy in dirty jeans and New Balance sneakers coming up and tinning me while questioning me on why I spent 20 minutes on a domestic instead of 19.”

Command supervisors also welcomed the news. “It’s about damn time,” said Lieutenant Coban. “Now I can focus on making command log entries about whether or not a 50-year-old patrol guide is secured at the desk, without having to turn around to see an inspections guy hovering over me and holding a notepad asking questions he already knows the answer to.”

Within a matter of days, the former inspections personnel were seen screening bags and checking passports at airport terminals. However, several already were reprimanded for demanding to see shave notes from travelers and forcing passengers to remove their white socks, while others were seen yelling “Looks like it’s time for some green paper!” at foreigners.

— Reporting by Hubert B. Tyman, mail@hubertontheair.com —

“We’ve decided to capitalize upon the frequent fisticuffs/borderline penal law offenses occurring at our holiday parties and charge for viewership,” said the spokesman.

“We’ve found that the baby mama drama and precinct politics can bring in approximately $100 per viewer, which is well more than we pay our officers who risk death, so it’s a win-win,” said the spokesman.

In preparation for the bout, the Department has hired multiple ring girls to work the event. In fact, each chief will be required to forfeit one of their drivers for the role, which will come with a detective shield.

“This is a great idea,” said P.O. Stevenson, who won the brawl at his holiday party in 2008 and still talks about it. “It was glorious, bro. I landed one right to his face, and he fell, bro. Homerun.”

Across the city, Sgt. Chickless was preparing in his precinct gym for his rumble. “This guy thinks he can park in my spot. He’s got another thing coming to him,” said Chickless, who plans to win in 3 rounds, well before the bottom-shelf open bar concludes.

Meanwhile, Det. Waldo was ready to watch. “I’ll be on the sidelines sipping my Whiteclaw. I got $50 on Chickless ths year.” His partner, Det. Franklin, is rooting for P.O. Clarissa Rogerson, who will be fighting for her honor after her precinct fling was found flinging with her partner, and others. “Always put money on the incestuous commands. They’re the best brawls!” said Franklin.

Sources later said the Department brought in much less than expected, as it turns out no one cares about a bunch of drunk civil servants acting like children. The night ended with 6 suspensions, 3 modifications, and a bevy of GO-15’s.

It was later reported that the ring girls were still given the shields they were promised, bumping others already on investigative track assignments.

— Reporting by Hubert B. Tyman, mail@hubertontheair.com —

The member, Detective Sal Vecchio, spoke with us during one of his multiple 30-minute vaping sessions. “Look, patrol needs to cool it. We’re detectives. The finest detectives. I don’t have time to debrief complainants close to end of tour,” said Vecchio, who is often seen asking patrol to “do him a solid” by conducting a variety of routine tasks he feels he is too good for.

“Guys don’t respect us like they used to,” said Vecchio, who doesn’t even have 20 years on the job, but identifies as someone with 25. “Back when I came on, the door to the squad was always closed. You were only allowed in if you had a pinky ring or were delivering food,” he added, confirming that he always assumes knocks on the door are anything other than fellow members of the service requesting help.

“I don’t even get where patrol guys get the nerve to knock on our door after 2330. It’s a matter of respect,” he said, before asking the desk officer if he could lodge his perp downstairs overnight so he could get some sleep. “Back when I came on in the early 2000s, if we looked at a detective the wrong way, or even crossed paths in the stationhouse, our locker would be flipped. The job is dead.”

“I got a full load of cases that I need to get to not solving, and that takes beauty rest,” said Vecchio, as he exhaled his Blueberry Juul for the umpteenth time outside of the command while saying “In the squad…” as both a preface and conclusion to his every sentence, mostly about the turnaround.

Patrol sources we spoke with confirmed Vecchio’s attitude but understood where he was coming from. “I’ve been on patrol for 20 years, and I’ve done it all,” said Police Officer Parkinson. “But if I have one regret on this job, it’s asking Vecchio to do more than the bare minimum.”

He added, “I never really knew how overworked he was, and it wasn’t fair for me to do my job by expecting him to do his. I’ll never forgive myself for that,” said Parkinson, wiping a lone tear of regret from his cheek.

In a shocking twist of events, the Vecchio was later seen locking the door to the squad room at 2350 to account for wash-up time. “Sure, it’s not in the contract, but it should be,” said Vecchio, as he glossed over his pending collars by appointment for the next day.

“I wonder if the sectors can help me pick these guys up. We have to look out for each other, you know?”

— Reporting by Hubert B. Tyman, mail@hubertontheair.com —

“Basically, if you spend every waking moment at work, and you never go home, you won’t have to worry about quality of life.” – The Job

“For the first time in history, we will be shifting to longer, 24-hour shifts for all members of the service,” said the commissioner. “The move ensures that our employees’ quality of life will be a priority,” said a Department spokesman. “Basically, if you spend every waking moment at work, and you never go home, you won’t have to worry about quality of life,” the spokesman added to raucous applause by cadets and interns.

The spokesman added that the possibility of 10 or 12-hour tours was examined, but it was ultimately determined that those tours still left too much time for officers to spend doing things that bring them joy.

Out in the field, the move was met was mixed results. “This is not what we had in mind by longer tours,” said Officer Blowman, as he prepared to move all his personal belongings into his Bronx command’s locker room.

“I pretty much lived here before with all the forced overtime, so I guess it makes sense I make it official and just move in and make it home,” said Blowman as he screwed a screen door onto the locker room entrance. “Home sweet home,” he begrudgingly said before laying down on one of the Building Maintenance Section’s finest 1-inch vinyl top mattresses.

In Manhattan, several precinct executive officers were thrilled at the change. “I mean, we live at our commands pretty much the entire day anyway, so it’s nice to see the job forcing our subordinates to the same for a quarter of the pay and quadruple the headache,” said Captain Plushowitz, as he prepared for a full day of meetings at LitterSTAT, LooseCigSTAT, BodegaSTAT, SmokeshopSTAT, BrokenHeadlightSTAT, and 75DirectedSTAT.

In Queens, an entire platoon of officers prepared for a night of drinking to celebrate the move. “We want to do it someplace new, somewhere cops don’t usually go to hang out where we can blend in,” said the PBA delegate.

“So, we’re thinking Mulcahy’s or Croxleys,” he added. However, the plans were derailed when the commanding officer advised them they cannot host the event since they will be on the clock all day long, every day.

“It’s about time. No quality of life is better than bad quality of life, and the cops who are complaining about simply need to realize how lucky they are to have the privilege to work here.” – Inspections

Elsewhere in the borough, an inspections sergeant said he was happy the job was finally taking morale seriously. “It’s about time. No quality of life is better than bad quality of life, and the cops who are complaining about simply need to realize how lucky they are to have the privilege to work here,” he said as he typed out a command discipline to an officer who had just completed a midnight, followed by standing on a subway platform for 6 hours, followed by a detail, followed by another midnight.

Former anti-crime Officer McClusky was excited at the policy change. “The best part of all this? My clothing costs will be significantly reduced. I just donated all my civilian attire to charity. Since I’ll always be working, I’ll just buy more uniforms and never change out of them,” he said, adding that the poor and destitute who received his donations are lucky.

“They’ll get to wear all my XXL Jets and Giants jerseys and camouflage shorts. You know how many gravity knives I found wearing those? It was gods work once upon a time,” he concluded before changing out of his tactical cargo pants and into another pair of tactical cargo pants.

Meanwhile, the local DMV office in downtown Brooklyn was forced to hire more personnel to handle the increased workload, as thousands of on-duty-off-duty officers descended to change the address on their licenses to that of their permanent command. “I don’t mind waiting hours on this line.”

“It’s the least I can do for the job, after everything they do for me,” said the officer, who is looking forward to telling his family he will be living at his command. “I’m sure they’ll eventually get rid of the asbestos since we’re moving in, right?”

In a strange twist of events, an officer on Staten Island was arrested for petit larceny in what the borough duty captain determined was an on-duty-off-duty incident. It is unclear what the penalty will be, since vacation days are now obsolete.

— Reporting by Hubert B. Tyman, mail@hubertontheair.com —

The school owners agreed to speak with us in a telephone interview, which, at times, got rather heated and confrontational. “We’re pretty proud about this. This course will be our best one yet, with double the grammatically incorrect questions and even more yelling about time management than ever before,” claimed Joseph O’Connor, a retired Captain who runs Promotion Is Super Simple or P-I-S-S.

However, it was not all smiles after the announcement. Numerous aspiring sergeants in commands citywide were seen crunching numbers and deciding whether the increased cost was worth it. “I mean, the left testicle isn’t bad, but where am I going to get $2,499?” shouted Police Officer Gustavo, as he prepared to tell his wife he was going to disappear for six months.

When it was suggested the new pricing structure may be a bit excessive, the schools fought back with vigor. “Listen, you think we just pocket this? Sure, I put a new addition on my house and paid for my kid’s tuition with a dump truck of cash, but you know how much copy and pasting I had to do? This isn’t as easy as it looks,” screamed retired Deputy Inspector Michael Creano, founder of Clearly Really Accurate Promotional Preparation, or C-R-A-P-P, who then claimed that standing on a table and yelling is a tremendous effort for which he should be compensated.

When asked what the secret to their coursework was, a period of silence preceded a bold statement. “We can’t just give away our business model,” claimed the owners. However, they did hint that it involved merely reading readily available patrol guide procedures out loud in asbestos-laden rooms.

“Yell constantly, yell often, ramble on about 202, and the students won’t realize they can learn twice as much in half the time by reading on their own,” O’Connor claimed as Creano maniacally laughed in agreement.

The owners were particularly proud of their add-on services. “Yeah, the class costs $2,499, but for an additional fee, we’ll give you an app with dozens upon dozens of terrible questions that look nothing like the exam. And for another $40 add-on-to-the-add-on, we’ll call you up on your phone and yell procedures out to you.” Creano admitted that his C-R-A-P-P course masks bumbling material within fancy animations and flimsy effects. “This makes it look more legit and makes them think I have inside information,” he said.

Nevertheless, the dynamic duo was already preparing for the next lieutenant’s exam, which they planned to roll out next year for $5,999 after adjusting for inflation and increased costs. “This is a steal, and in no way is this predatory,” proudly barked O’Connor, before abruptly hanging up.

Sources tell us the two were seen later the day at Kinko’s, printing study packets that haven’t been proofread and throwing them in the back of his 2017 Lamborghini. “I wanted a Ferrari, but not enough people signed up for my last course. See? It’s not all fun and games. You can’t always get what you want.”

— Reporting by Hubert B. Tyman, mail@hubertontheair.com —