Hubert B. Tyman

“HEAD” QUARTERS – In a shocking yet oddly fitting announcement, the Chief of Department revealed today that he is retiring to embark on a bold new career. The Chief announced he will be moving to Hollywood to develop groundbreaking plots for the adult film industry. He plans to leverage his decades of “hands-on” experience with his new company, 4-Star Vibrations LLC.

When asked about the career change, the Chief stated that his talents are tailor-made for adult film work. “Look, police work is about storytelling,” he said during his final press conference, as his harem of DT1s and DT2s looked on from the front row. “I’ve spent years as the focal point in a variety of stories, so the transition is natural,” he added, shortly before ordering that 49’s be renamed 69’s. In this monumental move from the chain of command to the chains of desire, the Chief revealed he has already pitched several adult screenplays that have been picked up by major film studios.

Titles include “The Chief’s Baton,” a steamy tale of power imbalances and misplaced authority, and “Double Overtime: Scanning in and Pounding Out,” where the action begins as soon as the big clock starts ticking. Sources close to the Chief revealed that he consulted with Harvey Weinstein and Diddy, as the duo encouraged him to follow his dream during one of their weekly strategy meetings, known as DAP sessions. It is reasonable and logical to assume that this stands for Develop, Assess, Prioritize.

Sources say the plots are loosely inspired by real-life events, though the Chief insists all names have been changed to protect the innocent—“and the guilty,” he winked. “I made sure that anyone who worked for me always capped out,” he added, while his closest aides ensured that all members of the command knew OT meant “On Top.” Sources also noted the Chief’s reputation for his positive CRAFTS—Covert Rendezvous Accelerating Favorable Treatment. “He brought overtime code-riding to a whole new level,” they said.

Many in the Department were unsurprised by the announcement. “Honestly, we saw this coming,” said an anonymous first-grade detective. “I mean, he was even trying to get on Shark Tank to pitch his own brand of lubricant,” said the detective. “He called it ‘Blue Line Glide’ and had a cadet hand out free samples to all females who stepped off the elevator on the 13th Floor.”

“Every command I’ve worked in has inspired me,” the Chief said, adjusting his crotch and licking his lips one final time. “I’ve had unique interactions with members at every rank. Now, it’s time to share those experiences with the world—in 4K resolution,” he teased, hinting that he’s already working on two more films: “Take Home Car Confessions” and “Lieutenant Sexual Assignment: Going Above and Behind.”

As the Chief vowed to go out with a bang, he said, “Remember, it’s not just about doing the job. It’s about how you leave your mark. And trust me, I’ve left plenty.” Shortly thereafter, sources said the Facilities Management Division dispatched their most marginally competent cleaners to the 13th Floor with blacklights and industrial-strength cleaning products.

“Behind every great Chief is a very satisfied subordinate,” he said. On his last day in office, the Chief made sure to enter through the backdoor—just as he had for the last several decades

— Reporting by Hubert B. Tyman —