NEW YORK PRESBYTERIAN HOSPITAL – In what can only be described as a ray of light on an otherwise dire situation, the famed “Make a Wish Foundation” has vowed to grant the Department it’s dying wish to finally become a real police department, sources said. The news was delivered directly to “The Job,” which has been terminally ill for 175 years and bedridden at the hospital that charged the least money.
HEADQUARTERS – In a joint press conference between the Department and the Transportation Security Administration (TSA), it was announced that all inspections units citywide are being disbanded and absorbed into the TSA.
HEADQUARTERS – After years of pleading by the rank and file, the Department announced earlier this morning that it will finally be changing from its outdated duty chart to a more modern, 24-hour workday. “You spoke up, and we heard you,” announced the Police Commissioner, beside all the major union presidents not currently under indictment.
SUFFOLK COUNTY – In a widespread effort aimed at assisting members of the service to obtain higher rank, the top promotional schools have released course information for the upcoming sergeant’s exam. Touting the details in a joint newsletter with no “unsubscribe” link, the six-month course will cost $2,499 and one left testicle, with payment plans available at 35% APR.
BROOKLYN – Early this afternoon, a rookie police officer has beaten the odds and ended national backlash against law enforcement in a heroic display of community outreach by climbing a mountain of crates and summarily breaking his ankle, newly released amateur video shows.