Hubert B. Tyman

MANHATTAN – In a bid to boost rock bottom morale, a team of civilian employees decided they would publicly post a variety of data from the personnel files of all uniformed members of the service, sources say, in a display of appeasement masquerading as transparency.

“With this database, all uniformed members can now rest assured they will be held to a standard higher than any other city employee, including myself,” said the civilian who is committed to saving police officers from themselves. “Besides, with my 6 months as a member of this Department, I know exactly what needs to be done,” he added with a straight face that was difficult to maintain.

In Queens, veteran Police Officer Rosenberg was happy to finally see the job take measures to improve morale. “Look, it had to be done. We needed this...bad. It’s about time the public can see my training history,” said Rosenberg. “They need to know I watched a 2-minute video on breastmilk. And we’re all better for it as a society.”

The move comes as recruitment has stalled, and non-cops say the database is intended to provide prospective applicants with a spark of hope. “Basically, what this does is tell future officers that all your information will be public, searchable, distorted, and used against you in every way. This is how you make people want a police career in New York City,” said the civilian, who once did a ride-along in the 75th Pct.

The database is just another step towards health & wellness, said a Department spokesman. “Our officers face many problems, and sure, the Department has caused many of them, but we offered yoga and it seemed to have worked. Now, by having all this information and discipline history without context needlessly made public, it’s just another step towards ensuring our staff knows we care about them.”

The spokesman further indicted that more intrusive data needed to be released before the job can focus on things that contribute much less to health and wellness, like modern work schedules, a piece of the weekend, and better frontline leadership. “We will soon provide the public with a real-time text notification anytime a uniformed member takes a 10-62P, uses the bathroom, or marks a job 10-90Y.”

Activists were seen salivating as they searched the name of every officer they had ever encountered. “Ugh, I knew it. This cop gave me a summons for pissing in public, but it turns out he got charges for an improper memo book entry. What a disgrace!” said one of them. “Thank god it was recent, or I never would have known,” she added, noting that the Department’s interpretation of transparency only begins after 2013.

The civilians celebrated their grand achievement, which consisted of uploading pre-populated data onto a slow, lowest-bidder platform. “This is how you make a difference,” one of them said, before heading home over the Brooklyn Bridge on a CitiBike, passing a heated protest where the officers holding the line behind a barrier had their information from the database screamed into a bullhorn.

“Sucks to be them,” said the civilian, who proceeded home to learn more about law enforcement by watching Blue Bloods and Law & Order. “Today, we tackled transparency. Tomorrow? Accountability. This is justice. And I’m thrilled to be a part of it.”

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— Reporting by Hubert B. Tyman —