Hubert B. Tyman

THE BRONX – Earlier this week, sources revealed that a local precinct commander has decided to take low morale into his own hands by denying all requests from his personnel to advance their careers.

The commander, Deputy Inspector Richard “Dick” Weiner, was recently assigned to lead the 54th Precinct. “The commissioner looked at me square in the eyes and said, ‘Listen, Dick. I need you to turn this place around.’ So I knew what I had to do,” said the aptly named executive.

Within the first few weeks, from inside his asbestos-laden, state-of-the-art 1970’s office, DI Dick Weiner looked at the pile of “Commanding Officer Recommendation” forms on his desk and tossed them in the shredder one by one.

“The Police Commissioner sent me here because morale is awful, so why on earth would I sign these and make cops’ lives even marginally better? I took three tests. I’ve been emasculated at CompStat. I know whats right for these people,” he said, ignoring our question about the number of times his own CO had signed the form for him during his career. After several days, [the] Dick’s strategy was working. Police Officer Rupnarine filled us in.

“It’s just, like, I’ve been here for several years, and I thought I wanted to go to ESU. But once the CO called me in and said he would not sign it because he did not want to lose a body, I thought to myself, now I really want to work for him and stay on patrol. No one has ever shown me they care like that, and I couldn’t be happier,” said Rupnarmine, who cut the interview short because he wanted to get off meal early and do directed patrols and get spit on.

“Him saying that…it gave me a new-found enthusiasm for police work,” he added before getting told he was getting one for failing to tag a body camera video before end-of-tour. Another officer said, “Sure, I walked in and showed him my superior evaluations, my long history of giving a shit, and my framed ‘5-year Perfect Attendance’ certificate, but when he told me he wasn’t going to sign it because he just got here and simply didn’t want to, it suddenly clicked,” said the officer.

“I knew right then and there I belonged here…being treated like a child and getting hit with RDO overtime the second I sign out on day five. The job must be improving its leadership training, and it shows,” she added, immediately withdrawing her applications for better paid, better eld, and better quality of life police departments.

A third officer, who informed us his childhood dream was to answer phones at a command center, said that while he was denied a signature unless a hook of higher rank called on his behalf, he realized there was more to the job than getting off the streets. “I always thought my destiny was to harness my investigative prowess at Hudson Street. Now? 311’s on the threat of suspension. That’s police work. And thanks to [that] Dick in the office back there, I see that now.”

As DI Dick Weiner shredded another batch of recommendation forms, he told us, “Besides, it’s not like I have to answer for these if they go unsigned. I’m a CO, and I have a special pin for my Class A’s to prove it. So why sign them? There’s no better way to tell these cops I care about their careers than by keeping them here and allowing them to work under my leadership.”

When asked why the arbitrary form was still a requirement, a Department propagandist said, “We are committed to being the most mediocre law enforcement agency in America and have no plans to hold commanding officers accountable to PF 205-14, line 7b.”

After mentioning the emotional and professional toll that not signing the forms took on officers, the Department said that it cared deeply about its personnel by offering yoga and many “Atta’ Boy” emails. In other news, 100 officers resigned for other agencies, and a task force was assembled to find out why.

“We’re dumbfounded, but we’ll get to the bottom of it and make the changes we need,” said the task force commander, newly promoted Chief Dick Weiner. “As an executive, morale has always been my number one goal. That’s how I made it this far.”

— Reporting by Hubert B. Tyman —