Hubert B. Tyman

BROOKLYN – Early this afternoon, a rookie police officer has beaten the odds and ended national backlash against law enforcement in a heroic display of community outreach by climbing a mountain of crates and summarily breaking his ankle, newly released amateur video shows.

The event is nothing less than revolutionary, said a veteran community affairs cop. “I spent 20 years hosting barbeques, giving away turkeys, and setting up rock walls,” said a retired first-grade detective. “But this? Maybe if I had climbed some crates in the ’90s, we could have avoided the Washington Heights riots,” he added.

As media descended upon his Brooklyn command in hopes of interviewing the star officer, he graciously agreed to discuss the events. “I was holding a handful of priorities but then I saw a hostile crowd setting up crates,” said the officer, readjusting the cast on his leg. “The second I saw them piling the crates up, I just knew I had to act.”

There was not a dry eye in the room as he then described what happened next. “If there’s anything my 2 years of field training taught to me by my field training officer from the academy class before me, it’s how to read a crowd,” he said. “I could tell they were hostile based on the insults they were shouting, and since I completed 4 hours of de-escalation training, I decided to diffuse the situation the best way I knew how: self-humiliation.”

As he simultaneously reached the high-point of the crate pyramid and the low-point of his short career, the officer said he felt his knees buckle. “I knew I was going down. I saw several things flashing before my eyes. My life, my safety, but definitely not my dignity. I knew I was doing a service to the City of New York.”

As he fell flat on his face and twisted his ankle, that’s when the miracle happened. “All of a sudden, the crowd’s vibe began to change. I could just feel they were laughing with me, not at me,” added the officer.

His partner, who recently completed the coveted ABLE training taught by internationally renowned and motivated Training Sergeants, said, “If he had decided to needlessly use force, I was ready to intervene. But when I saw him climb that first box, I knew nothing could possibly go wrong, so I didn’t step in. That’s what ABLE is about,” she said.

We spoke with one member of the crowd, a man with 3 open I-Cards. “You know, I’ve lived a life of crime as long as I can remember. But seeing this young cop climb those crates, it’s like something just clicked. This is the type of outreach we’ve been asking for,” he said. “I’m turning a new leaf. And I know I’m not the only one.”

Indeed, as the day went on, droves of cop haters who saw the video decided it was time to turn their lives around. Suddenly, an outpouring of support flooded precincts nationwide. “I regret ever throwing Molotov cocktails at RMPs. This is what we wanted all along,” said Chadd Holdemann, a local vegan from Ohio.

Meanwhile, the Chief Surgeon released a statement saying, “This is the most heroic three-quarters application I’ve ever seen.” Later that day, the officer was promoted directly to detective and awarded the Combat Cross.

In justifying the award, a Department press release said, “Sure, he didn’t face a gun battle, or an armed perpetrator, or any sort of threat he didn’t himself create, but he won hearts and minds.  That’s what we do.”

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— Reporting by Hubert B. Tyman —