Hubert B. Tyman

PENNSYLVANIA – Investigators that have been working around the clock to catch a murderer—so that the Deputy Commissioner can obtain a resume-building photo op—have finally got their man, sources revealed earlier today. As the news broke, crowds formed around a Pennsylvania jail where international media awaited the Deputy Commissioner’s arrival.

Since last week, detectives have been working around the clock and away from their families to apprehend the suspect, who callously murdered a man on a city street before fleeing to parts unknown.

The investigators who cracked the case did not hesitate to burn the midnight oil away from their families for the greater good — the self-aggrandization of their superiors.

“Listen guy, we all have a calling in life. Some people become doctors, others build businesses, and others work hard to get their bosses in front of a camera,” said Detective 3rd Grade Pastosi Parmigiana, who will be aging out this year after several decades of catching perpetrators while his bosses take the credit.

“Even though I’ve been on the grid since 1995, everything I do is for them. Sure, my kids hate me, and my wife left me, but it was my duty,” he said.

As word spread of the apprehension, a motorcade was seen leaving headquarters with five photographers, six bodyguards, a tailor who specializes in modifying Khaki attire, and three Department Makeup Artists (Level III).

In a matter of hours, the vehicles arrived in Pennsylvania and the Deputy Commissioner was rushed inside via a backdoor to prevent being mobbed by autograph seeking fans.

“Get me into make-up forthwith,” said the Deputy Commissioner. “Then, get me the Chief of Police. I’ll need him to let local media know they need to rise when I enter. Also, get me someone who worked on the case. I’ll need the cliff notes. Where did the murder happen, again? I want my online bio updated by EOT to reflect my role in this caper.”

While investigators who worked tirelessly on the case were relegated to the sidelines back in NYC, they understood that it was just part of the job.

“We do what we do so he can do what he does,” said Sergeant Paulie Gustaffson, as he elaborated on his non-answer before asking if we had any inside information on the SBA contract, which has proved as elusive as getting the money without first driving a Chief.

Meanwhile, Department social media teams sprang into action, crafting posts to highlight the Deputy Commissioner's “tireless commitment to justice” while carefully omitting the names of any actual detectives involved in the case and debating whether the term “heroic leadership” was sufficiently humble.

By the next day, detectives who worked the case resumed their work in silence, knowing their names would only appear in the fine print of someone else’s glory.

In other news, journalists from Spring 3100 will arrive three months from now to cover the press conference.

— Reporting by Hubert B. Tyman —