Hubert B. Tyman

HEADQUARTERS – In a joint press conference between the Department and the Transportation Security Administration (TSA), it was announced that all inspections units citywide are being disbanded and absorbed into the TSA.

This is the biggest shock to hit inspections since the temperature restrictions were removed from the patrol guide, and the change was explained by Department brass. “It became clear that we were underutilizing the skills of those supervisors assigned to inspections units,” said Deputy Chief Coogan McGuinness.

“After a thorough review, we learned that the work didn’t involve much skill at all and that our partners over at TSA could make better use of the personnel,” said McGuinness, who began notifying inspections personnel about the change immediately.

The news, however, was well received by sector cars citywide, who can now rest easy knowing they won’t be car stopped while on a car stop.

However, the move was not met with much fanfare from inspections units. We caught up with Sergeant Charles Bozo, assigned to a patrol borough inspections team, as he entered his 2023 BMW with the vanity plate, “H8WHTSOX.” He was was less than thrilled, acknowleding that he paid for the vehicle with overtime from writing command disciplines for minor violations.

“This is utter and complete BS,” said Bozo, pointing to a notification that he is to report to JFK on his RDO to begin TSA training, which will focus on how to best annoy the traveling public by enforcing arbitrary and ineffective rules.

“Yeah, I get it, it’s the same type of busy work I’ve been doing here, but just a little harder. But who is going to keep the cops in line once I’m gone? I knew this gig was going downhill when they allowed 5 o’clock shadow. I should’ve left then, but I knew my lack of real-world policing experience would hurt me. I even got rejected by the Property Clerk. Job’s dead,” said Bozo, refusing to admit he is partially responsible for the job’s demise.

Meanwhile, a TSA spokesman said the change is being applauded by screeners nationwide. “Finally, our staff will have co-workers with less experience, intellect, and education than they do,” said the spokesman. “They’ve been waiting for years for something like this!” he added.

The news, however, was well received by sector cars citywide, who can now rest easy knowing they won’t be car stopped while on a car stop. “This is great news,” said Officer Levy. “Now I know that I can do my job without having to worry about a guy in dirty jeans and New Balance sneakers coming up and tinning me while questioning me on why I spent 20 minutes on a domestic instead of 19.”

Command supervisors also welcomed the news. “It’s about damn time,” said Lieutenant Coban. “Now I can focus on making command log entries about whether or not a 50-year-old patrol guide is secured at the desk, without having to turn around to see an inspections guy hovering over me and holding a notepad asking questions he already knows the answer to.”

Within a matter of days, the former inspections personnel were seen screening bags and checking passports at airport terminals. However, several already were reprimanded for demanding to see shave notes from travelers and forcing passengers to remove their white socks, while others were seen yelling “Looks like it’s time for some green paper!” at foreigners.

— Reporting by Hubert B. Tyman —