Department Mandates Thousands of Mobile Field Forces in Anticipation of Petit Larceny Verdict in South Dakota

HEADQUARTERS – As the world awaits a heavily anticipated verdict in the highly divisive trial of Rufus McPickup, the Department is calling all hands on deck, sources said this morning.

Believed by many to be the trial of the century, McPickup was arrested last year in his hometown for stealing a $1 Arizona iced tea. As soon as the arrest video went viral, the Department prepared itself for any issues here at home.  “No matter how trivial, we’ll be ready for any random point of contention across the country,” said a Department spokesman.

“This case has ignited the debate between which Arizona is better. You have some who think it’s the Arnold Palmer and others who think it’s the Ginsing. This can lead to a real firestorm, and bodega owners are protesting because both are still only one dollar.”

The spokesman added, “The benefit of being the nation’s largest agency is the ability to simultaneously ruin the quality of life of thousands of officers at one time,” noting that Mobile Field Forces not only sound sexy but also serve as a sure-fire way to stop crime and disorder. “Look, what’s the point of having thousands of personnel if you can’t abuse them?”

We spoke with several officers who were preparing for battle at Randall’s Island. Officer Marc Santos had just finished scanning in at four different locations and getting yelled at by the same number of supervisors when he gave us his thoughts.

“I’ve been here on a tour change several times this week. I don’t know why everyone is complaining. This is what service is about. Freedom isn’t free,” said Santos, who just re-enlisted in the Staten Island National Guard.

His partner, Detective Ariel Daas, disagreed. “Do I wish I could go one full week working my actual chart and have my RDO’s untouched? Sure. Would it be nice to be able to plan a life? Of course. I think the Department should come up with a unit designed to respond to these sorts of things strategically, perhaps as a group, so we wouldn’t have to,” he said. “One can dream.”

“It’s new ideas like never-ending Mobile Field Forces that define us as a top-tier agency,” said a high-ranking chief. “In fact, I’ll be proposing something so revolutionary, they’re bound to give me a second star.”

He went on to describe the idea with glee. “Get this: we put new cops on foot posts in high-crime areas. No sectors, no cars, no radio. Just omnipresence and summonses. Nothing could possibly go wrong, and quite frankly, I’m surprised no one has thought of it first.”

Later that night, news of the not guilty verdict spread like wildfire throughout South Dakota and was briefly mentioned in a random tweet by someone with seven followers, thousands of miles from New York City.

“Wow, this could be big. Let’s do a no excusals the week of Thanksgiving, just to play it safe,” said the chief as he departed to his family dinner. “Sorry, I can’t stay. Not today. Family comes first.”

— Reporting by Hubert B. Tyman —