Hubert B. Tyman

HEADQUARTERS – After years of pleading by the rank and file, the Department announced earlier this morning that it will finally be changing from its outdated duty chart to a more modern, 24-hour workday. “You spoke up, and we heard you,” announced the Police Commissioner, beside all the major union presidents not currently under indictment.

“Basically, if you spend every waking moment at work, and you never go home, you won’t have to worry about quality of life.” – The Job

“For the first time in history, we will be shifting to longer, 24-hour shifts for all members of the service,” said the commissioner. “The move ensures that our employees’ quality of life will be a priority,” said a Department spokesman. “Basically, if you spend every waking moment at work, and you never go home, you won’t have to worry about quality of life,” the spokesman added to raucous applause by cadets and interns.

The spokesman added that the possibility of 10 or 12-hour tours was examined, but it was ultimately determined that those tours still left too much time for officers to spend doing things that bring them joy.

Out in the field, the move was met was mixed results. “This is not what we had in mind by longer tours,” said Officer Blowman, as he prepared to move all his personal belongings into his Bronx command’s locker room.

“I pretty much lived here before with all the forced overtime, so I guess it makes sense I make it official and just move in and make it home,” said Blowman as he screwed a screen door onto the locker room entrance. “Home sweet home,” he begrudgingly said before laying down on one of the Building Maintenance Section’s finest 1-inch vinyl top mattresses.

In Manhattan, several precinct executive officers were thrilled at the change. “I mean, we live at our commands pretty much the entire day anyway, so it’s nice to see the job forcing our subordinates to the same for a quarter of the pay and quadruple the headache,” said Captain Plushowitz, as he prepared for a full day of meetings at LitterSTAT, LooseCigSTAT, BodegaSTAT, SmokeshopSTAT, BrokenHeadlightSTAT, and 75DirectedSTAT.

In Queens, an entire platoon of officers prepared for a night of drinking to celebrate the move. “We want to do it someplace new, somewhere cops don’t usually go to hang out where we can blend in,” said the PBA delegate.

“So, we’re thinking Mulcahy’s or Croxleys,” he added. However, the plans were derailed when the commanding officer advised them they cannot host the event since they will be on the clock all day long, every day.

“It’s about time. No quality of life is better than bad quality of life, and the cops who are complaining about simply need to realize how lucky they are to have the privilege to work here.” – Inspections

Elsewhere in the borough, an inspections sergeant said he was happy the job was finally taking morale seriously. “It’s about time. No quality of life is better than bad quality of life, and the cops who are complaining about simply need to realize how lucky they are to have the privilege to work here,” he said as he typed out a command discipline to an officer who had just completed a midnight, followed by standing on a subway platform for 6 hours, followed by a detail, followed by another midnight.

Former anti-crime Officer McClusky was excited at the policy change. “The best part of all this? My clothing costs will be significantly reduced. I just donated all my civilian attire to charity. Since I’ll always be working, I’ll just buy more uniforms and never change out of them,” he said, adding that the poor and destitute who received his donations are lucky.

“They’ll get to wear all my XXL Jets and Giants jerseys and camouflage shorts. You know how many gravity knives I found wearing those? It was gods work once upon a time,” he concluded before changing out of his tactical cargo pants and into another pair of tactical cargo pants.

Meanwhile, the local DMV office in downtown Brooklyn was forced to hire more personnel to handle the increased workload, as thousands of on-duty-off-duty officers descended to change the address on their licenses to that of their permanent command. “I don’t mind waiting hours on this line.”

“It’s the least I can do for the job, after everything they do for me,” said the officer, who is looking forward to telling his family he will be living at his command. “I’m sure they’ll eventually get rid of the asbestos since we’re moving in, right?”

In a strange twist of events, an officer on Staten Island was arrested for petit larceny in what the borough duty captain determined was an on-duty-off-duty incident. It is unclear what the penalty will be, since vacation days are now obsolete.

— Reporting by Hubert B. Tyman —