Cops Assigned to HQ Suddenly Inundated with Work During Mobilization

MANHATTAN – As members of all ranks assigned to headquarters have been tasked with suiting up and manning posts in the area around headquarters, multiple members of the service have suddenly been swamped with work and rendered unable to be the police, sources say.

“It’s completely coincidental,” said Sergeant Cardigan. “I was about to put my gun belt on, when all of a sudden, I got a text from the Chief. He needed something right away, so I had to do that instead,” said the sergeant. “Besides, I don’t blame him. Why should he have to get his own coffee?”

Several floors down, a number of police officers were left scrambling to find their gun belts and jelly-covered handcuffs. “Damn, I haven’t seen my gear since the last time I weaseled my way out of a mobilization, and that was years ago,” said Officer Biltz, who was seen knocking on multiple doors looking for work that could be done sitting down at a computer. “I’ll take anything,” he was overheard saying. “And I mean...anything.”

Another member of the service, Officer Colburn, felt bad that he couldn’t suit up and do the incredibly hard job of manning a post that involved no public contact 50 feet from his permanent command. “I feel terrible. I really wanted to go down there and help out, but I was just given a ton of work by the Inspector,” he said, conveniently leaving out the fact that he repeatedly nagged for the work in question. “I’ve always been one to take initiative,” he added. “Especially when I’m needed in uniform of the day.”

Meanwhile, in the basement locker room, several others were seen gearing up. However, it was workout gear and not a uniform. “Stop busting my chops. I’m also doing 5-5,” said an anonymous sergeant. “5 miles in the morning, 5 miles in the afternoon.”

Later on, end-of-tour rolled around for the hardworking administrative wunderkinds for whom the mandated 0500 or 1700 start time was merely a suggestion. Shortly after, a steady flow of personal vehicles began to disappear out of headquarters checkpoints like narcotics detectives at a detail.

“I’m not making eye contact with any of the foot posts standing in the sun in full uniform because I need to keep my eyes on the road,” said Lieutenant Harbinger. ”Riots are going on and I need to keep my head on a swivel,” he added. “It has nothing to do with the fact I’m embarrassed that I’m not out there with them. But ultimately, we all hold the line in different ways.”

Sources say he was not seen until the following morning, well-rested and ready for the day ahead, 5 hours after his colleagues had gone present for duty.

— Reporting by Hubert B. Tyman —