Majority White Protesters Demand Majority Minority Police Department Diversify

BROOKLYN – As peaceful protests and violent looting continue to plague the city, one local march focused their efforts on demanding the Police Department diversify its ranks, sources say. As echoes of clever, non-rhyming chants filled city streets, “Listen, maybe if the force wasn’t so white, things would be a little different,” said a man to a line of African-American police officers.

His comrade said, “All I see here are officers from Asia, Bangladesh, Haiti, India, Guyana, Pakistan, Togo, the Maldives, Sri Lanka, Trinidad, Puerto Rico, the Dominican Republic, and the Ivory Coast,” she went on. “But what about Tanzania? It’s pitiful and it needs to change,” said the woman, Colby McPale, a Park Slope resident for the last 2 months.

The group of racially diverse racist police officers seemed unfazed by the accusations. “I know why I took this job,” said the officer, a first-generation American of West African descent. “I took this job for the same reasons as everyone else. To be called a Nazi, be spit on, and called a traitor to my people. That’s called serving your city,” he said, shrugging off the deep emotional toll.

Another member of the march made sure to let it be known she was not against cops, but bad cops. “Look, like anyone, I can appreciate good cops who serve with honor,” she said. “But realistically, none of those cops exist, so that’s why we’re out here today.”

Meanwhile, our reporters were able to attend another rally in Foley Square, where a large group assembled after they felt compelled to do their part. “I was on the toilet scrolling through Instagram, you know to get my morning news, when I saw some statistics and anecdotes on multiple memes that just made me so mad,” said one of the young women.

However, when she was advised that memes are often manipulated to illicit incendiary responses, she said, “Now is not the time to independently verify facts. We’re in the middle of a movement,” she added before expressing outrage at a meme which indicated that Thomas Edison once shook the hand of a police officer in the early 1900s.

“Who does this guy think he is?” she said, before encouraging people on her social media page to cancel their ConEd electric service in protest. “Time to hit him where it hurts,” she concluded. Sources confirmed the meme did not reveal that Thomas Edison died nearly 100 years ago.

Meanwhile, a peaceful march in Queens was deemed ironic after the same group was seen posting “#stayhome” on social media only two weeks prior. They declined to comment on the grounds that comments are racist.

— Reporting by Hubert B. Tyman —