Hubert B. Tyman

MANHATTAN – Following a bombshell grievance filed by the Detectives Endowment Association, the Department has created a new unit that will specialize in targeting those assigned to internal investigative units who impersonate detectives, sources say.

The union representing traditional investigators who did not get their shields by answering phones was shocked to learn that several hundred members of the service are parading around the city referring to themselves as detectives. “This is complete bullshit,” said Vitocondino Mozzerello, president of the union.

“One of my guys came to me and said there were some folks with what looked like our shields saying they were detectives, but then they said they were working a hot case about memo book entries and Facebook posts. We can’t let that slide.” said the union president, shining his pinky ring with a silk cloth.

In the Bronx, investigator-impersonator Sergeant Edward Cordova was arrested after leaving a three-hour GO- 15 he was conducting for offenses that amount to, at best, schedule A’s. The arresting officer commented that, “We knew he was one of the frauds. We discovered that he interrogates mostly good people who are forced to answer his questions and don’t shoot back. That’s when we collared him for criminal impersonation.”

Over in Brooklyn, the new unit conducted a sting operation that resulted in the arrest of several members of a borough investigations unit. “We had a hard time finding them,” said the unit commanding officer. “We knew we had to set a trap. We got a few recruits from the academy, put them on a street corner wearing white socks and a beanie cap when the temperature was 1 degree above the authorized number.”

Within minutes of the clever sting, an unmarked Ford Explorer turned the corner, screeching its wheels with full lights and sirens in PRTY mode. As several imposters exited the car with green paper in hand, they were all placed under arrest. “Got em! Looks like the job is coming back to life,” said the commanding officer.

Not everyone agrees. “This is a witch hunt,” said Lieutenant John L. Rodrigo, who is on year nine of his two-year commitment. He requested we conceal his identity because he is often seen at details saying he’s just the RMP coordinator and did not want to be outed. “I don’t want them to be jealous of my work, so I lie,” he said.

However, he views his low-hanging fruit caseload as his ticket to special assignment. “Sure, the feds get the real corruption first, but it’s because we give them credit as a courtesy. It has nothing to do with our ability,” said the imposter, adding he felt it was unfair he had to share promotions with those who solve real crimes. “Even though I’m usually only able to prove what people admit to under threat of suspension, that takes skill,” said Rodrigo.

“I just want my Michael Dowd moment,” he added, squinting into the distance of his windowless office, which contains an autographed copy of, “Making it Stick: How to Turn Anything into the Crime of the Century.” He continued, “Us internal investigators are sick and tired of being ridiculed for being the gatekeepers of integrity.”

He then dropped a slip for 8 hours cash and bragged about how the statute of limitations can be manipulated to maximize overtime. “Prolonged GO’s, fake subpoenas...the sky’s the limit. It’s what we do,” he concluded, before hanging his bureau’s highest honor, the “Golden White Sock” on the wall. “Third year in a row,” he smirked.

Soon after, members of the new unit arrived and placed Rodrigo under arrest. At arraignment, he claimed his zero corruption collars means he isn’t a threat to real investigators and should be released.

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— Reporting by Hubert B. Tyman —