NYC Pride Group Vows to Fight Discrimination by Discriminating Against Police

MANHATTAN – In a sordid tale of irony, the organizers of the annual New York City Pride Parade have vowed to make 2021 its most inclusive ever, by excluding police officers from marching, sources said. The shocking twist comes as nationwide calls for police reform are running out of steam and few avenues are left to express displeasure with law enforcement.

“For years, members of our community have faced discrimination. That’s why this year we will be doing exactly that to members of law enforcement,” said one organizer, who stated it doesn’t count as discrimination if it’s against police officers. “I mean, c’mon, it’s not like they’re really people.”

He continued by saying, “Just because they’re gay doesn’t give them a right to be cops. It’s unnatural. What’s next? Sharing donuts? It starts there and before you know it, they’re sharing health insurance. It’s disgusting. Maybe it’s just because I’m traditional and was brought up a different way,” he concluded.

Another parade organizer agreed. “The way I see it, what you do in your professional life is your business. You want to risk your life for the public? You want to wear a uniform? Fine, but don’t come out here flaunting society’s conventions expecting everyone to cater to you. Growing up, no one asked if you were a cop, and if you were, you surely didn’t tell anyone. That was fine for everyone then, and it’s fine now.”

After the decision was made, a massive applaud rang out at NYC Pride Headquarters. After announcing the decision, one woman stood up and said it was a step in the right direction. “Good! I don’t want these cops hanging around my kids on parade day and converting them. This cop in the neighborhood started hanging around with a local teenager and now, the kid is a cop himself. It’s sinful and shameful,” she said.

One Manhattan resident agreed with the move. “Look, cops are triggering. We can’t have them terrorizing marchers and making them feel unsafe,” she said. “Sure, it starts with a cop holding a pride flag and waving at bystanders, and before you know it, they’re using us to fulfill their quotas,” said the woman, who admitted to getting her news mainly from Instagram stories.

However, when questioned about event security, she added, “Oh no, we still definitely want them on sidewalks and rooftops making sure no bias attacks take place and ensuring the streets stay closed. We just don’t want them directly involved. That would be off-message,” she said.

One Brooklyn man said he was tired of LGBTQIA+ members of law enforcement using the parade to conduct enforcement action right on the parade route. “I’m sick of it. I saw it happen last year. One cop was smiling, happy to show support, when all of a sudden, he ran out of formation and wrote a summons to someone in the crowd. I still haven’t emotionally recovered from that,” he said.

Organizers have said the ban will last for a minimum of five years. “We’re going to give these cops a chance to stop acting different and be normal,” said another committee member. “Until they can prove their lifestyle choices conform to society, we will not permit them to participate,” he added.

Sources later said that multiple attempts by NYC Pride organizers at locating the irony had failed.

— Reporting by Hubert B. Tyman —