Hubert B. Tyman

QUEENS – For the first time in Department history, a precinct holiday party will be featured on pay-per-view to help fill the budget deficit, a spokesman confirmed.

“We’ve decided to capitalize upon the frequent fisticuffs/borderline penal law offenses occurring at our holiday parties and charge for viewership,” said the spokesman.

“We’ve found that the baby mama drama and precinct politics can bring in approximately $100 per viewer, which is well more than we pay our officers who risk death, so it’s a win-win,” said the spokesman.

In preparation for the bout, the Department has hired multiple ring girls to work the event. In fact, each chief will be required to forfeit one of their drivers for the role, which will come with a detective shield.

“This is a great idea,” said P.O. Stevenson, who won the brawl at his holiday party in 2008 and still talks about it. “It was glorious, bro. I landed one right to his face, and he fell, bro. Homerun.”

Across the city, Sgt. Chickless was preparing in his precinct gym for his rumble. “This guy thinks he can park in my spot. He’s got another thing coming to him,” said Chickless, who plans to win in 3 rounds, well before the bottom-shelf open bar concludes.

Meanwhile, Det. Waldo was ready to watch. “I’ll be on the sidelines sipping my Whiteclaw. I got $50 on Chickless ths year.” His partner, Det. Franklin, is rooting for P.O. Clarissa Rogerson, who will be fighting for her honor after her precinct fling was found flinging with her partner, and others. “Always put money on the incestuous commands. They’re the best brawls!” said Franklin.

Sources later said the Department brought in much less than expected, as it turns out no one cares about a bunch of drunk civil servants acting like children. The night ended with 6 suspensions, 3 modifications, and a bevy of GO-15’s.

It was later reported that the ring girls were still given the shields they were promised, bumping others already on investigative track assignments.

— Reporting by Hubert B. Tyman —