Hubert B. Tyman

MANHATTAN – Earlier today, a vocal group of rioters rallied in Times Square to demand answers after a police officer shot a brick that was headed right for his face, the Times has learned. The group of rioters, who have nothing to do with rightfully angry yet peaceful protesters, gathered to call out what they felt was a rush to use force without first exhausting all other available options.

“Yeah, one of our guys threw a brick, so what? It’s our right. That’s what the constitution is all about!”

shouted one rioter, who proclaimed his love for the 1st amendment, hatred for the 2nd, and indifference for the 7th. Along Fifth Avenue, a looter from New Jersey stated the incident enraged him so much that he had to steal another TV. “This is bullshit,” he said.

“This is exactly why we need to focus on the 65-inch LED models. We’re way, way past the 42-inch plasmas of yesteryear,” he continued, before putting on a ski mask and jumping into the window of a nearby Target. He was later spotted writing “ACAB” in graffiti on a marked police vehicle, which we can only assume stands for, “All Cops are Beautiful.”

Meanwhile, political leaders are joining the fight. “This is exactly why we need new training,” said a local council member, whose second term is soon expiring and will be forced to get a real job. “Did it ever occur to the officer that maybe talking to the brick would have calmed things down? Did he ever stop and think, you know, maybe a taser would be appropriate? It’s disgraceful.”

He later conceded, “Basically, whatever level of force was used, we’re going to demand why the next level down wasn’t used instead. It’s a great formula for re-election,” as he folded up his portable podium and headed to his next event.

Our journalists spoke with the cops’ partner, Police Officer Clementine, who said they maintained “interview stance” and tried to stop the brick mid-air in an attempt to deescalate. “We tried. We really tried. I swear. We even said ‘Police! Don’t Move!’ but the brick just wouldn’t stop. We had no choice.”

Over in Brooklyn, a local group of transplants from the Midwest who are shockingly out of work given their vast experience as freelance interpretive dancers vowed to defund the Police Department. “We know exactly what these minority communities need,” said one of them, improperly calling herself a New Yorker.

“No one knows better than us,” the 39-year-old woman continued. “It makes perfect sense. We were the ones who displaced them from their own communities in the first place, so we know what’s best for them,” she added, before abruptly leaving the scene to have her vegan, organic, free-range, cage-free, locally sourced breakfast in the 8-bedroom/1-bath apartment she shares with 35 other transplants.

Later that night in Manhattan, another protest was deemed peaceful after only 8 bricks and cement-filled water bottles were thrown at police. “We have to meet the threshold of at least 10 before it can be deemed violent,” said an unnamed police commander, who was later spat on after ensuring the crowd was given enough space to march and have their voices heard.

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— Reporting by Hubert B. Tyman —