Department's Rumor Production Unit Forced to Work 24-Hour Tours to Combat the Spread of Factual Information
THE BRONX – As the rampant release of factual information continues to reach all-time highs, the Department has ordered the Rumor Production Unit (RPU) to work mandatory 24-hour tours, sources say. The change comes amid an urgent need to replace facts and official statements in favor of conjecture and misguided rumors.
On a foot post in Brooklyn, several members of the service were overheard discussing the latest. “Bro, did you see the press release? They’re changing things up,” said one of the officers. His partner wasn’t pleased.
“Nah, chill. I don’t like stuff like that. It’s too accurate,” the partner proclaimed as the brownish hue of his timeless gun belt reflected the afternoon sunlight. He then pulled out his cell phone, saying, “Let me get some rumors. They’re mostly wrong and much more fun,” he said, as his new navy-blue external vest carrier blended perfectly with his purple uniform shirt from 2010, earning him the nickname “Two-Tone Tommy.”
As he opened his text messages, he pointed to one that read, “Yo some crazy stuff goin down. Looks like the comisioner is out the door iminitly,” read the grammatically incorrect message, sent by an allegedly well-connected probationary police officer assigned to recruit training.
The message, which we confirmed was sent to all 35,000 sworn and 15,000 civilian members, also said that patrol would be disbanded, the Detective Bureau would be forced to take their own complaint reports, and that the mayor was appointing his son to serve as Chief of Department.
Our sources confirmed the message first originated inside the elite Rumor Production Unit, which turns out of the Rodman’s Neck mess hall kitchen with steady Saturday/Sunday RDO’s. We were granted access to the unit on the condition we did not publish names or show faces. Inside, the dedicated team was hard at work brainstorming new and ridiculous rumors to spread citywide.
“Ok, I got one,” said a supervisor, as he scarfed down a chocolate chip cookie and a week-old beef patty. “How about we say the job is authorizing khaki shorts and chin-strap beards for patrol?”
Upon unanimous agreement by the unit, everyone present opened their phones to several dozen group chats and shared the rumor. By nightfall, the Department was forced to issue a statement saying it was untrue. “Mission accomplished,” said the sergeant. “This is what we do.”
Earlier, one officer assigned to the team had suggested they spread the rumor that commanding officers are going to be forced to complete “CO Recs” in a timely fashion. However, it was shot down as being too far-fetched to be believable, even for a rumor.
— Reporting by Hubert B. Tyman —