Union President Advised by Delegate to Just Take the Hit on Federal Charges

MANHATTAN – The outspoken president of the labor union representing frontline supervisors has been advised by his delegate to just take the hit on federal charges, sources said earlier today.

The president, Teddy Mullanay, who can often be found on social media failing to use the spell check function, received the news from his delegate as federal agents descended upon his home and union office. Sources close to the case revealed how it went down.

“Basically, the feds came down and everyone thought they would try their usual tricks. You know, handing everyone an explosive device and convincing them they wanted to use it. But when they showed us the search warrant, we knew it was more serious than the usual games they play,” the source said.

When they knocked on the door, Mullaney instinctively reached for his smartphone and opened the Twitter app, typing a barrage of expletives and incoherent sentences. However, union officials stopped him in his tracks. “You know, maybe we should’ve stopped this years ago,” said one official, seemingly lost in a trance of self-reflection. “I guess, in hindsight, it never really did any good for the members.”

Shortly thereafter, Mullaney called up his delegate, Giovanni Parmigiano, who made his way to the location as slowly as possible. “The first thing I learned in delegate school, is to never get there too fast,” said Parmigiano, who grew up in Brooklyn, lives in Staten Island, and hangs out in Pearl River.

Once he arrived, Mullaney asked for answers and guidance which, of course, Parmigiano had neither of. “Look, I know you’re stressed out, Teddy. But you just must let things take its course. Now, did you buy a raffle ticket?” Parmigiano added, much to Mullaney’s chagrin.

“You’re just going to sit here do nothing? What should I do? How do we respond? Can you find anything out?” Mullaney demanded, before being interrupted by Parmigiano. “Look, Teddy, it is what it is. I’ll try to speak with the C.O. and knock it down to a Schedule A.”

Moments later, Parmigiano took the lead investigator aside and exchanged some words, before sitting down with Mullaney in a windowless room. “Ok, Teddy, here’s what I found out. Nothing. I got nothing at all. But basically, I think the best thing to do here is just eat it and take the hit,” Parmigiano continued.

“It could be pretty bad. Or it could be nothing. But since I have no idea, that’s the best advice I got. Take it on the chin,” concluded Parmigiano, who multitasked so efficiently he was able to simultaneously speak with Mullaney, take a call from his wife, and play Clash of Clans. “Don’t show your subject too much interest. They’ll think you can actually help them,” he added.

However, Mullaney was so upset with his representation, he questioned what exactly he was paying for bi-weekly. “This is ridiculous. Is this what really goes on at GO’s? And to think, those aren’t even being conducted by real investigators,” he said. “The bar is set too low. Who’s responsible for this?”

When reminded that he was the one at the helm, he vowed to make changes in how delegates are selected and trained. Strangely, however, no one could tell him when elections were or how to run.

— Reporting by Hubert B. Tyman —