Unions Demand Chief of Patrol Position Remain Unfilled Until after the Election
HEADQUARTERS – The abrupt departure of the Chief of Patrol has left the major unions demanding his replacement not be named until after the results of the upcoming election, setting off a battle that is sure to rage on through 2021, sources confirmed.
“Here we are, just weeks away from the biggest election of our lifetime, and these people want to ram through a new Chief of Patrol. It’s disgusting,” said Edgar Malines, a union president representing thousands of out-of-contract supervisors. “You know who they’ll put in his place? Someone who wants to repeal the Affordable Yoga Act (AYA). Thousands of members of the service rely on that for morale. This is the single most important Chief of Patrol appointment in a generation.”
Malines continued, “Stopping this replacement is the most important thing on my agenda. Second only to getting a remotely decent contract,” as he opened his phone and tweeted grammatically incorrect profanity-laced expletives. “Ok, maybe a contract is third or fourth on my list. But trust me. It’s all about leverage,” concluded Malines. “Did you know we have boots with chevrons on them, though?”
Meanwhile, rank-and-file delegates are divided on the issue. Police Officer Delgado, who was elected after receiving approximately 1% of the vote, made his opinion clear as he held court beside his musty locker in front of a crowd of two probationary police officers who felt they had no choice but to listen and the precinct cleaner, who’s marginal English ability left all present unsure whether or not he even understood the speech. “We cannot stand for this!” said Delgado, raising his fist as put on his buff shirt from the 1995 precinct BBQ.
“You’d have to go back to the days of Mayor LaGuardia to find a time when a Chief of Patrol vacancy was filled in an election year,” he proclaimed, as he put one leg into his dad jeans. “As your elected representatives, we will use everything in our arsenal to block an appointment.” However, when asked what that arsenal was, he admittedly said, “I don’t know. No one really asks us questions. We just say things about ‘taking the hit’ and how getting zeros are bad. The rest usually just falls in place.”
As PO Delgado tied his circa-2003 faded new balance sneakers, one of the PPO’s began to ask a question, to which Delgado abruptly slammed his locker, pointed at the rookie, and said, “Don’t talk to me until you have time on, kid. But also, vote for me.” The cleaner, however, applauded raucously.
Across the city, others felt leaving the position vacant would be catastrophic. “People need to get over it. He’s going to appoint someone who will finally restore traditional, conservative views to patrol,” said Lt. Casperson. “Condemning RMP’s while they still have low miles and the steering wheel isn’t chewed yet is just wrong and immoral,” he added. “Someone needs to give those Ford Explorers a voice.”
Meanwhile, the Police Commissioner nevertheless vowed to fill the vacancy. “When a spot opens up, it is my constitutional duty to appoint someone for the position,” he said. “As soon as I hear back from the Mayor as to who he wants, I will make the decision.” By nightfall, sources said a successor had not yet been named.
— Reporting by Hubert B. Tyman —