The Musings of a Veteran Journalist
BROOKLYN – Early this afternoon, a rookie police officer has beaten the odds and ended national backlash against law enforcement in a heroic display of community outreach by climbing a mountain of crates and summarily breaking his ankle, newly released amateur video shows.
MANHATTAN – In a sordid tale of irony, the organizers of the annual New York City Pride Parade have vowed to make 2021 its most inclusive ever, by excluding police officers from marching, sources said. The shocking twist comes as nationwide calls for police reform are running out of steam and few avenues are left to express displeasure with law enforcement.
MANHATTAN – After years of failed self-reflection, a downtown Manhattan precinct commander has finally realized he isn’t that important and was forced to acknowledge he is just like everyone else, sources learned this morning.
QUEENS – After the Department’s groundbreaking announcement that members of the service will be allowed to nominate fellow officers as part of the “Shout Out a Co-Worker” program, morale has skyrocketed to levels not seen since the job was alive, sources said.
MANHATTAN – Following a bombshell grievance filed by the Detectives Endowment Association, the Department has created a new unit that will specialize in targeting those assigned to internal investigative units who impersonate detectives, sources say.
MANHATTAN – In a bid to boost rock bottom morale, a team of civilian employees decided they would publicly post a variety of data from the personnel files of all uniformed members of the service, sources say, in a display of appeasement masquerading as transparency.
HEADQUARTERS – The abrupt departure of the Chief of Patrol has left the major unions demanding his replacement not be named until after the results of the upcoming election, setting off a battle that is sure to rage on through 2021, sources confirmed.
BROOKLYN – As peaceful protests and violent looting continue to plague the city, one local march focused their efforts on demanding the Police Department diversify its ranks, sources say. As echoes of clever, non-rhyming chants filled city streets, “Listen, maybe if the force wasn’t so white, things would be a little different,” said a man to a line of African-American police officers.
THE BRONX – As the rampant release of factual information continues to reach all-time highs, the Department has ordered the Rumor Production Unit (RPU) to work mandatory 24-hour tours, sources say. The change comes amid an urgent need to replace facts and official statements in favor of conjecture and misguided rumors.
MANHATTAN – Earlier today, a vocal group of rioters rallied in Times Square to demand answers after a police officer shot a brick that was headed right for his face, the Times has learned. The group of rioters, who have nothing to do with rightfully angry yet peaceful protesters, gathered to call out what they felt was a rush to use force without first exhausting all other available options.