The Musings of a Veteran Journalist
PENNSYLVANIA – Investigators that have been working around the clock to catch a murderer—so that the Deputy Commissioner can obtain a resume-building photo op—have finally got their man, sources revealed earlier today. As the news broke, crowds formed around a Pennsylvania jail where international media awaited the Deputy Commissioner’s arrival.
HEADQUARTERS – Earlier today, sources confirmed that the Department has been unable to find a replacement for the hardest working lieutenant in the city’s history, Quinlan Egan, forcing overtime payments approaching six-figures. “We asked all over the job, and also put feelers out internationally, but no one could match his skills,” said a high-ranking chief.
NEW YORK PRESBYTERIAN HOSPITAL – In what can only be described as a ray of light on an otherwise dire situation, the famed “Make a Wish Foundation” has vowed to grant the Department it’s dying wish to finally become a real police department, sources said. The news was delivered directly to “The Job,” which has been terminally ill for 175 years and bedridden at the hospital that charged the least money.
HEADQUARTERS – In a joint press conference between the Department and the Transportation Security Administration (TSA), it was announced that all inspections units citywide are being disbanded and absorbed into the TSA.
QUEENS – For the first time in Department history, a precinct holiday party will be featured on pay-per-view to help fill the budget deficit, a spokesman confirmed.
MANHATTAN – Earlier this evening, a precinct detective took time out of his busy week solving petit larcenies to really tell patrol how he feels, sources confirmed.
HEADQUARTERS – After years of pleading by the rank and file, the Department announced earlier this morning that it will finally be changing from its outdated duty chart to a more modern, 24-hour workday. “You spoke up, and we heard you,” announced the Police Commissioner, beside all the major union presidents not currently under indictment.
SUFFOLK COUNTY – In a widespread effort aimed at assisting members of the service to obtain higher rank, the top promotional schools have released course information for the upcoming sergeant’s exam. Touting the details in a joint newsletter with no “unsubscribe” link, the six-month course will cost $2,499 and one left testicle, with payment plans available at 35% APR.
HEADQUARTERS – As the world awaits a heavily anticipated verdict in the highly divisive trial of Rufus McPickup, the Department is calling all hands on deck, sources said this morning.
MANHATTAN – The outspoken president of the labor union representing frontline supervisors has been advised by his delegate to just take the hit on federal charges, sources said earlier today.